personal development

#131 Setting Boundaries to Reduce Overwhelm with Catherine Lewis (On-Air Coaching)

 
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Yes, of course I will help you! 

Yes, of course I can do this for you!

Yes, of course I can skip my workout and meditation today!

When you always say yes to everyone and everything, you end up feeling depleted with neither energy nor time for yourself. And you start feeling overwhelmed with all the life responsibilities you've taken on.

Time to reestablish some clear boundaries with yourself around when it's time for YOU to recharge and also stick to these boundaries yourself.

Catherine Lewis is on this episode for an on-air coaching session, where we will identify what the root cause of her overwhelm is, and what she can do to step out of it and take better care of herself.

Over the years, Cath has struggled with weight, PCOS and hormonal issues, high expectations of herself since she was a teenager, and never having time for herself, because she's either working, there for her husband, her dog, friends, and family, which has hugely impacted her mental health and stress levels. 

IN TODAY’S EPISODE, I’M COACHING CATHERINE THROUGH:

  • How to lower the high expectation you have of yourself that make you feel fuzzy in your head

  • What to prepare and not get overwhelmed when you have to go back to work after a long time in isolation

  • What happens when you're too flexible and too giving all the time (hint: not good!)

  • A powerful heart/emotion exercise to figure out why she's stuck with her self-care

  • How to prioritize yourself when you want to be the best in everything

  • How to set better boundaries with herself

  • The no. 1 (+ super simple!) thing Catherine needs to do now to decrease the overwhelm of life responsibilities

And so much more! 

Have you downloaded the free Self-Care Guide for Perfectionist? Click here to access it:
martinafink.lpages.co/perfectionist-bundle

EPISODE RESOURCES

Download your free Success Guide for Perfectionists
Learn more about Perfectionist Rehab

CONNECT WITH CATHERINE

https://www.instagram.com/catherinesbarebeauty/

https://www.instagram.com/curlywurlycath/

Thank you so much for listening to this episode! I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below! If you can think of anyone in your life who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them right now! <3

TODAY’S EPISODE TRANSCRIBED:

Martina Fink 0:00

This is episode number 131 with Catherine Lewis. Welcome to the Glow Life podcast. The one and only place for ambitious, high achieving and perfectionist women like you who want to leave, overwhelm behind. Turn self doubt into self confidence. And learn to trust yourself again, so that you can work less fully love and accept yourself and live a fulfilled and glowing life. Every week, I'll be giving you tips and inspiration on how to think less, feel more slow down can use your body and your daily habits to help you step up, level up and glow up in all areas of your life. This is not just about the big shifts, you can glow just a little more every single day.

Welcome back to the Glow Life podcast, season number two with the second episode of season two, so grateful to have you here. And today we have a special guest on the podcast. Catherine Lewis is someone who has been following me for just a couple of months. And she joined one of my 2021 Visions workshop earlier this year, we haven't really worked together outside of that. And she is here today for an on air coaching session, which means going to dive into her struggles and figure out what she can do to feel better and release some of the perfectionism and overwhelm and stress that she's experiencing on a daily basis. Before we dive in, I wanted to talk to you about stress and overwhelm. And the things that are making our lives so difficult. The thing is that we have a choice, I was recently talking to one of my clients and she said, "You know Martina, after taking your program, nothing has really changed in the outside. It's only the approach that I have to my work and to my schedule and to my work life balance that has changed." And that's really the key here. Releasing perfectionism is not about quitting your job and traveling the world and selling all your belongings it can be but really what it is, is you establishing a healthier relationship with yourself, with your habits with your time and your schedule, with how you handle your emotions, how you effectively manage stress, and also find ways to not even get into situations that stress you eliminate the stress, right. And so when it comes to effectively managing stress and quitting overwhelm, this is inner work. This is what you need to do on yourself doesn't mean that your outside circumstances need to change they can but they don't have to. And you can still create a lasting transformation for yourself. Now we are doing a free training in my community that is starting on Monday, April 5, where you will learn how to effectively manage stress, how to handle and quit your overwhelm and create a healthy work life balance without quitting your job without compromising your results at work. And without letting anyone down along the way. The link to sign up for free is in the show notes. And you know as someone who probably is experiencing all the things I am pretty sure you're not alone. I loved complaining about the stress that I was experiencing in the past to my friends who were also experiencing stress. So if you know anyone who needs this training as well and who could join you live on these three days, please invite them with you and hold each other accountable for showing up for the training to share the link with them. It is in the show notes and I would love to see you there. Now let's bring on Catherine Lewis. She has struggled with her weight with PCOS and hormonal issues over the years and she has extremely high expectations of herself since she was a teenager and never really has time for herself because she's either working there for her husband, for her friends and family which has hugely impacted her mental health and her stress levels. In today's on air coaching episode I'm coaching Catherine through how to lower the expectations you have of yourself that make you feel fuzzy in your head what to prepare and not to get overwhelmed when you have to go back to work after a long time in isolation and working from home. What happens when you're too flexible and too giving all the time. Hint it's not good for you. A powerful heart emotion exercise that I'm taking her through to figure out why she's stuck with herself care how to prioritize yourself when you want to be the best in everything, how to set better boundaries with yourself, and the number one and super simple thing Catherine needs to do now to decrease the overwhelm of life responsibilities, and so much more. And you can find everything we talked about today in the show notes at martinafink.com/podcast/131. Welcome, Catherine. I'm so grateful and happy to have you on the podcast today.

Catherine Lewis 5:35

Me too. And forward to have a packed in there. Yeah, just getting to know me and you.

Martina Fink 5:42

So this is an on air coaching session. So basically, we're going to I'm going to guide you through some of your blocks and your challenges, to see what is standing in the way of you living your very own glow life. And where is also perfectionism and procrastination, high expectations? Where are these things standing in your way? So thank you for coming on and for sharing bits and pieces about your life with us. So I would love to know from you first, what is your biggest challenge at the moment when it comes to perfectionism and you not being able to live the best life that you could.

Catherine Lewis 6:21

Try and be the best at everything. I like to be like the top of the game on everything I do. But I sometimes find the right one locked in one goal.

Martina Fink 6:31

So you find you set high expectations of yourself.

Catherine Lewis 6:36

Yes, yeah. So like anything I do have really high expectations. I've got to be the top of the game in that in that field or session and during that time as well.

Martina Fink 6:47

Interesting. You want to be the best in everything. Does that relate to work? Does that to relate to your relationships, your health, or or all of it?

Catherine Lewis 6:58

All of it. But the place that I let down most is doing things for myself.

Martina Fink 7:02

Yes.

Catherine Lewis 7:03

I just I seem to procrastinate. Look around, just go around in circles. And avoid the thing that I need to do that I know this best for me.

Martina Fink 7:13

Interesting. So would you say that? What else? What is getting in the way? Like, why don't you have time for you? What are you spending your time on?

Catherine Lewis 7:19

Work. Learning new skills. Learning new courses , helping my husband, everything apart from me. Yeah, even the dog down to the dog. He goes first. Friends, friends are first families first. Yeah, just everybody. And I've noticed that in the last few years. It's just, I need to do more for me. And I've recently become a fully qualified reflexologist. In that path, I'm getting to know more than more about what I want to know I want to do.

Martina Fink 7:55

Interesting, interesting. Okay, so I feel like there are two things. One is the high expectations you have of yourself always wanting to be the best in everything. And then the other thing is that you're really people pleasing and putting everything else first including your dog. Because I mean, if you don't take care of your dog, it's going to like pee in your house, it's going to bite you because it doesn't get food right there is like instant constant consequences if you don't take care of that. But if you don't take care of yourself, it's not that drastic, usually. Right?

Catherine Lewis 8:28

Yeah. until it gets to the point when it is yes. Mental health is, you know, a big thing that just gets on top of that person and gets consumed by everything. And it just becomes a big fog. Yeah.

Martina Fink 8:42

And how would you say it sounds like you're still in this space, right? Where you're trying to figure out how can I take better care of myself? And how can I make more time for me? So how does it feel to be in this space, where you're at right now?

Catherine Lewis 8:57

jittery, walk slowly. But I know if anything is going to work, it's going to take time and weird feelings to come through for it to feel right in the end. So I've learned, like, if you're just trying things, even if they don't work, then you can always say I that's not for me. I'll try the next thing. That's my path. At the moment. I'm trying everything.

Martina Fink 9:18

What have you tried so far?

Catherine Lewis 9:20

I do a lot of meditation I wish I never used to do and I do I am qualified everyone and read it. So I'm trying to do that more myself. But then I just find other things that get in the way. So that's a goal of mine to do is just to do that more journaling. I'm trying my best to do it. But sometimes I feel like I just can't put our pen to paper. And like I'm really really bad at setting goals myself, like really bad and like detecting the ball on his hand doesn't actually do when the goal.

Martina Fink 9:53

Interesting, okay. There's a lot of things. It sounds like you're really willing to try but nothing is really sticking To the point where you feel comfortable about it, and it's become your routine, just how, you know, you brush your teeth every day and you take showers regularly, it's not really sticking. So I would like to go back a little to the beginning of our conversation where you shared that you want to be the best in everything, which I completely resonate with. I didn't have so much of a competitive thing with others. I just had that with myself. Is it the same for you?

Catherine Lewis 10:29

Yeah, like it doesn't bother me about to like, obviously, the teams have gone to that my satisfy me to do 20 about more.

Martina Fink 10:36

Right? You're really just want to be the best of yourself, like you want to bring 150% to the table. Why do you think you do that?

Catherine Lewis 10:46

Probably all started when I was a teenager, to be honest, telomeres aren't TV ads were everywhere. So I was on for a month at a time at that age. And then I'd be off for a few months. So hormone hormonal issues constantly. And eventually, then when I was 24, finding out I had polycystic ovaries. And, and I've always been the healthy one of everyone I know. And I do everything in my power to look after myself. And as of September last year, I know pretty much Reagan as well. So plant based life, which is not for everyone. But for me it my body seems to like it

Martina Fink 11:28

Beautiful.

Catherine Lewis 11:30

And recently about specialist appointments regarding the waist and stuff as well, because I can't physically do anymore. So I've just been told that I pre diabetic, so I was like, Well, what do you suppose I do, then you can seem to help. So this is I found out throughout my life, I've got to do everything myself become the best in that field, whether it's making the nicest, I don't know, vegan pasta meal, or our personal and gluten free, my husband's about celiac. So that's another thing as well. So I'm always the one that's learning. So I've just found if I learn, I become good, but I just get a bit confused as I can just leave it as one thing. Just bear with me that one thing for a moment, I just have to do the next thing then. So that's where I think it comes from.

Martina Fink 12:22

Yeah, so really all about not feeling great in your body and having all these issues where you felt out of control and you trying to learn almost got you to a place where you are feeling in control again, would that resonate?

Catherine Lewis 12:36

Yeah, and it's just when I am in control, which I was probably for the pandemic, but new things came came to the surface that and rich knocked me off balance again. So learning to be on my own, which I'm not used to. I'm a social person. I'm an extrovert. And I've just had this massive introvert which doesn't agree with me. Yeah, so like this whole year have been mapped NASA just that's what's making me learn more about me, because I'm with me all the time. That's what I think I need to learn on next is learning to live with myself, learning what my body needs listening to it, we've all got this gut feeling, but we never go in it so

Martina Fink 13:17

interesting. And you're certainly not the only one going through these challenges at the moment. You know, in the past year of isolation, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, I'm an introvert and I love being by myself, but it was still challenging, because we are not supposed to have any contact relief, or as little as possible. And that is challenging for for any human being because we're supposed to be we're social beings, right? So it's very challenging. And certainly when you're on your own need to figure out who am I really and then all this stuff comes up. And you know, like you said, being with yourself is something that we don't really learn especially in today's day and age with like social media, like every single moment, we are free and we're not doing anything, we take the phone and scroll or go on Netflix or Instagram and Facebook and Twitter and all these things right to distract ourselves. So we don't even know what it's truly like to be by yourself. So now that you have more, let's say quote unquote, time to be by yourself in this past year. Why do you think when you try a new self care practice, such as meditation or journaling or doing the Reiki on yourself all these things? Why do you think it's not sticking?

Catherine Lewis 14:32

Really like I know my head first fancy bus. Every time I do it, there's a mental block or like a fog hanging around. And still, obviously I've got a husband I'm not totally on my own. I see him again, cuz he works currently stem, but he's quite. He is a total introvert. I'm pretty negative, selfish human being but I'm not in a nasty way. But I just need to find a way to like Block, everyone's energy is off and it's just such an empath it just doesn't happen. So for me that I can't find the answer for that, I don't know why I still don't know why I can't change why I can to try and buy things and stick in.

Martina Fink 15:15

Which one of these did you actually? Or do you actually enjoyed the most when you do the amas it Reiki meditation, journaling, setting goals for yourself Anything else?

Catherine Lewis 15:24

meditation probably is my favorite.

Martina Fink 15:27

Okay. So how do you feel when you meditate?

Catherine Lewis 15:31

When I'm actually in the zone, my heart gets away. I feel focused. If I get rid of somebody else, so then I'm totally creative. So she also said that with meditation, totally pans and not before bed, probably first thing in the morning, is probably the best time for me. And I just need to make it a habit that happens every day, at least 10 minutes by just less. Right. It's hard to get back into it. Yeah, I think recently, it's because I'm not in work with my full time job. And I've got a fear of going back to work. I'm thinking how am I going to live this like happy life? as well as go back to work?

Martina Fink 16:11

Yeah, that's so interesting. You're not even going back to work yet. But you already have this stories in your mind? Oh, no, I have to go back to work. How will I be able to live that lifestyle when I go back to work, but until then you're not even living it? Because you're so afraid and so consumed by your thoughts, right? And I totally understand that. And there's a lot of self sabotage happening here, which is absolutely normal. Because it's like that fear of what if I actually am happier? What if things actually are glowing everyday, you know, and I can combine meditation and Reiki and my job and my family and everything together? That's so scary, because you've never had this life before. So what happens is that you are, we have this comfort zone, which is where you're in right now. And then as soon as you want to create a new habit, and you have it is always outside of your comfort zone. So starting a meditation practice outside of your comfort zone, you start a few times, what happens then is that there's this rubber band that pulls you back into your comfort zone, because it's scary out there. Right? You don't know what your life will be like, if you actually meditate every day, you might be calm and focused every day. And how will that affect your relationship? How will that affect the quality of your work? And that's scary.

Catherine Lewis 17:30

Yeah, yeah, it is scary. Like if my husband said, I've noticed a massive change in it or like, Oh, thank God, or is that bad news? I don't know. Because it's totally different times to. So that's even that's a bit like, not wobbly. But like, it's just new. We've been together for 17 years, since we were 15. That's a long time for us both to change and develop. And he's always been the one to change and develop, might take a backseat until last year. So yeah, he's like, I don't know what this person said. This is actually me. This is what I've always wanted to be doing a follow me. I don't care if you don't like it, but it's tough man.

Martina Fink 18:12

Yeah, I love that. So what is so scary for you about feeling calm and focused every day?

Catherine Lewis 18:19

It's not the fear of the artist, the fear of keeping that?

Martina Fink 18:22

What will happen then if you keep in? It's just the fear of the unknown.

Catherine Lewis 18:26

I think it's just, I don't know why I always focus on the band, rather than the now. But I tend to do that quite a lot.

Martina Fink 18:36

Yeah. And it's normal, because you don't know. We all don't know what uncertainty will be like, right? Nobody knows what's happening tomorrow. And we're so used to that because it's everyday life, we don't do much. But when there's something new or something good happening, we were not used to how that would feel. So let's just let's paint a picture. Close your eyes for a moment. And imagine you're really doing this meditation, you get up in the morning, and you take some time for yourself, even if it's as little as 10 minutes. You meditate, you get comfortable, maybe you light a candle, you feel really good. You meditate for a couple minutes. And then as you come out of your meditation, you feel really calm and focused and clear in your head and really connected to your heart. You start your day. And now you imagine that you do this every day, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, every day of the week. You continue to do this for weeks and months. Is there any sensation in your physical body that's coming up for you right now?

Catherine Lewis 19:51

Emotional.

Martina Fink 20:00

If you had to pinpoint a specific place in body where you are feeling these emotions, where where is that?

Catherine Lewis 20:07

In my heart center.

Martina Fink 20:12

Can you describe it? Can you see a color or a texture or temperature or

Catherine Lewis 20:18

It's all reflected in between green, green and pink. And then slightly black. Posted being softer vibes and then like a pool, a puddle of water, like swimming, but it's not coming down. It's just forecaster

Martina Fink 20:37

What do you feel like is happening in your heart space right now?

Catherine Lewis 20:41

I just feels caged caged like

Martina Fink 20:48

What is it that would like to come out?

Catherine Lewis 20:51

accordion section, but it just never happens. To me to give you a more like a feeling and background. Just Just take me into like, just pulling me back in into this like, swirl?

Martina Fink 21:09

Does it feel like tumultuous like a heavy energy or is it more

Catherine Lewis 21:15

slow? Rather than being pushed down as being pushed down? Sort of wait? Yes. For my feet?

Martina Fink 21:24

And are you trying to resist it?

Catherine Lewis 21:27

Sometimes, right now? No. Sometimes it does. And sometimes it doesn't.

Martina Fink 21:34

What do you feel is pulling you down? The people around you?

Catherine Lewis 21:38

Just everyone just doesn't understand me.

Martina Fink 21:44

So do you feel like this? What is the thing that feels caged in your heart? We go back to that what is the thing that would love to come out but cannot

Catherine Lewis 21:54

just set just me living my life journey and having my boundaries because I've always been really flexible. My life too flexible. Can you to set clear boundaries for everyone around me like feeling down to even I know you don't like my own time sometimes. But even down to setting times for my own staff to be on my own talk to me. Because I know that's challenging for me. Sometimes I know it's worth it after I've done like a little workout. Yeah,

Martina Fink 22:30

can you place your hand on your heart for a moment. And just breathe into that space and the color of the heart chakra is pink and green. You can pick whichever color feels more peaceful and more loving to you and just kind of expand as like in your heart space with every breath. You can clear out the darkness clear out the fast pulsating energy and just calm that down. With a couple of breaths.

Your thoughts wander just come back to beautiful pink or green color in your heart space.

When you feel ready, you can slowly come back and open your eyes.

Catherine Lewis 23:54

Feels good. Yeah,

Martina Fink 23:56

I can see this smile on your face. So pretty

Catherine Lewis 23:59

are starting to get into it myself. I don't need to put these banners that like for myself, I need to set them on a healthy lifestyle. So customers and people are gonna have to understand.

Martina Fink 24:14

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it sounds like you know, you being feeling like you're in this cage is because you don't set the boundaries how big your cage is really right. So other people just cross your boundaries and step on you until you're actually so caged in your own heart. And that version of you that feels confident and glowing and healthy and full of energy wants to come out but it cannot because there's so many people kind of defining what your boundaries are because you don't have them. They're just, you know, flexible. So it sounds like more than anything. You need boundaries with yourself around like you said. Having a strict schedule that you stick to, and that is the boundary that you need to respect yourself, between work and family and everything and yourself. So if you had to set one boundary or schedule one thing in your calendar, what would that first step be?

Catherine Lewis 25:18

Well, I'm going back to work probably Monday to Wednesday. And starting at 10, and finishing at 6am, not doing 99.

Martina Fink 25:30

Can you kind of decide that yourself?

Catherine Lewis 25:33

Yeah, cuz I'm in college.

Martina Fink 25:35

Oh, awesome.

Catherine Lewis 25:36

But that makes it harder sometimes to set these boundaries.

Martina Fink 25:39

I know. Let me tell you, I know.

Catherine Lewis 25:42

I'm gonna have to do. I've been self employed since 2014. And I've been flexible, and everyone knows that. But that's my fear of making people unhappy. But I'm making myself unhappy by listening, topia.

Martina Fink 25:57

Yeah, and I resonate with this so much, because when I started my business in 2015, I was still doing much like makeup workshops and beauty workshops and stuff like that. And I was my calendar was open Monday to Sunday, like people could book workshops with me on Sunday, Saturday night, I didn't care like I would always make myself available. And guess what, the moment I decided, I'm only going to do certain days.

That's, you know, that's what people adjust it to. They're like, Okay, let me check. And we will always find a solution. So, it is so funny how we believe that when we set boundaries, others are going to reject us or not like us anymore. But actually, they're just going to take the information and find a way around, because they will still want to work with you, you know. So it's going to be so much easier than you think I promise if you just step up for yourself. So it feels like as we get off this call, what is your next thing you're going to do? Like? Do you have to schedule in some boundaries in your calendar? Like do you need to schedule in time for you? Do you need to schedule the time that you work? Do you need to block out certain days? Like what exactly is your number one step that you're going to take tonight?

Catherine Lewis 27:13

And so the next one's probably going to be like mealtime and bedtime, because my husband does shifts I try and get time with him. And but for me, eating late is not the happiest, nobody likes so I guess start eating before him. And then bedtime for me is 10 o'clock the desk?

Martina Fink 27:33

Are you going to bed later at the moment?

Catherine Lewis 27:36

Yes. plus one. Yeah, sometimes not sleeping at all attended to insomnia. So yeah, so definitely 10 o'clock. And then whenever my body allows me to recap, because going back to work, I hopefully I'll be starting around 10 or 11 o'clock. So I can get my exercise and my rocking, but I do daily in meditation.

Martina Fink 28:04

Sounds amazing. I really want you to set yourself up for success. Right. So sometimes we want to create new habits, such as Oh, I'm gonna meditate for 30 minutes every day and when you haven't meditated at all. So we want to make sure that the boundaries you set or actually realistic for you, so that you will in 90% of the cases you'll be able to follow through. So for my example, last year in isolation, I used to go to bed really, really late at like, one 130, because I'm really productive at night. And I decided I don't want to do that anymore. And I started setting an alarm at 1030 to like, go get ready for bed by 11, right. And going from like 130 to 1030 or 11 is too big of a difference for me to actually be able to do that. So what I decided is to go to bed before midnight, and that has worked really well now that I've back to 1130, I can go back to 11. And you want to make sure that it is actually realistic, the goal that you set for yourself because otherwise, you're just going to set yourself up for failure. You'll do it once or twice like this anyway. And you'll go back to 130 or what I feel like shooting for 10pm is a realistic goal for you.

Catherine Lewis 29:22

Not straightaway nor in probably be more like, because it's child robot one. So probably more like less than 30 to start off with 11 or 1130. And that's

Martina Fink 29:34

good, because that's the thing like we always were very, you know, flexible with our goals, like when you are flexible with your goal, how can you actually then achieve it? So 11 go to bed. Do you need to do anything or talk to anyone about this to make sure that you are being held accountable and that you actually follow through?

Catherine Lewis 29:56

I've got beautiful husband because he won't be here sometimes. Yes, it'll be You know, come in be quite left, because I'm a light sleeper, but you can watch Telly and stuff. But just on that note, I will be telling my friends like everybody around me, if you are going to contact me mccollins can be offended, which means that I am on a bed at 11.

Martina Fink 30:15

Yes, nobody call you or text you later.

Catherine Lewis 30:18

No, no customers nobody.

Martina Fink 30:21

Beautiful, beautiful. Does that feel like a good boundary for you?

Catherine Lewis 30:25

Yeah.

Martina Fink 30:27

Amazing. Well done. So interesting how I think we got to the root cause of why you're not sticking to your habits. It's because you're not creating the space to actually do that.

Catherine Lewis 30:44

Like, it's like a puppy is that if you'd like medical free from a young age is always when you're free?

Martina Fink 30:49

Yeah.

Catherine Lewis 30:50

So I need to learn for a puppy.

Martina Fink 30:54

Yes, and you have a dog. So you know, you know how that works.

Catherine Lewis 30:57

I give him both days. So I need to do.

Martina Fink 30:59

Exactly. And it's so hard because habits are so their habits. So we're used to them and changing them are so difficult. Sometimes, I don't want to say it's difficult because it just really takes dedication into decision. But it takes a certain amount of days or you know, time to stick to it. There are studies that say 21 days, there's studies that say 60 days. So whatever works for you, I can't really say what how it really is. But I know that from doing something once or twice, it's not going to stick. But you really need to understand why it hasn't worked. And for you understanding that it is because you're not you're too flexible with everyone else and with yourself. And with your own schedule like that is going to change everything because now you are aware of what the reason is why it hasn't worked in the past.

Catherine Lewis 31:52

And it's just stick into that. And being firm, with myself even when it goes back to seeing people and I never normally like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, new work day. Yes, put a patch up with anybody. On those days.

Martina Fink 32:08

Exactly how I do it to me works really well.

Catherine Lewis 32:11

Just because I can't split this up into six people.

Martina Fink 32:15

Yeah, you totally can't. Beautiful, I'm really excited for you to set up these boundaries and your calendar and your reminders and talk to the people around you so that they know. And please also ask them to lovingly hold you accountable. I'm doing that also with my friends. When I want to start something new, it's really helpful to have them call you out when you're not sticking to your boundaries and and get their support if needed. Beautiful. Thank you so much for going there with me and for being so vulnerable and honest and you know, open to exploring this together. If anyone wants to connect with you, what are ways for people to find you.

Catherine Lewis 32:58

So I have a personal and a business. So different things for everybody. Well, being inside is at Catherine's Barbie do. And personal side is particularly when you have Facebook and Instagram.

Martina Fink 33:13

Beautiful. Anything else?

Catherine Lewis 33:15

No, just come say hi, if you want to if you're struggling as well, I can hold you accountable.

Martina Fink 33:21

Oh, yes, I remember you joined one of the workshops earlier this year and you really loved the account. So if anybody needs accountability, with boundaries in the schedule, going to bed at a certain time, reach out to calf and connect with her so that you guys can keep each other accountable. I love that.

Catherine Lewis 33:42

It was good.

Martina Fink 33:43

Yes, yes. glow girl community. Beautiful. Thank you so much. And I loved having you on here.

Catherine Lewis 33:49

Thank you for being and having me on.

Martina Fink 33:53

Yes. So glad to have you my community. I am so grateful for Catherine, that she has been in my online community of wonderful women from around the world and they've been able to support her through the session for better boundaries with herself. If you are someone who is struggling with overwhelm, control stress, low self worth, and you're constantly over giving to everyone else and find yourself depleted just like Katherine then head to the link in the show notes to grab our free self care guide for perfectionists or join us and perfectionist a rehab which is a 90 day healing journey out of overwhelm into a fulfilled and glowing life where you have a super beautiful work life balance. To learn more about perfectionist rehab, you can go to martinafink.com/rehab if you enjoyed this episode and it has inspired you to take at least one step forward in your very own glow life. It would mean so much to me if you left us a review on iTunes. Follow the glow Live podcast on iTunes and Spotify and for everything that we mentioned in today's episode, you can go check out the show notes at martinafink.com/podcast/131. If there's anybody in your life that you love that needs to hear this episode and has struggles with boundaries, please forward it to them right now. I would love to connect with you on social media you can find me at Martina glows on Instagram and Facebook. Thank you for being here today and for really caring for yourself so deeply that you've taken the time to listen to this podcast episode. What you do for yourself is going to impact every single soul that you touch in your life. You deserve to feel glowing and confident. Beautiful


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DISCLAIMER

All material in this episode is provided for your information only and may not be construed as medical advice or instruction. No action or inaction should be taken based solely on the contents of this podcast episode. Instead, readers should consult appropriate health professionals on any matter relating to their health and well-being.

The information and opinions expressed here are believed to be accurate, based on the best judgement available to the speakers, and readers and listeners who fail to consult with appropriate health authorities assume the risk of any injuries. In addition, the information and opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of every contributor. The Company acknowledges occasional differences in opinion and welcomes the exchange of different viewpoints.

#130 Perfectionists! Stop Controlling Your Entire Life with Apryl Franchini

 
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Perfectionists love controlling... Controlling workouts, what you eat, how you move your body, how many tasks you got done in a day. Perfectionists also like to overthink and often have a very strong inner voice that tends to be extremely mean and loud.

Today, I am speaking to my wonderful client, Apryl Franchini, who has been able to fully release control and perfection in her life and learned to shift from her overthinking mind into her beautiful heart.

Apryl is, just like myself, a certified Holistic Health Coach (IIN) and she specializes in food freedom and body love. She helps women ditch the scale and eat with zero guilt. Apryl recently moved to Bali and is currently living her very own version of the glow life in paradise.

IN TODAY’S EPISODE, WE TALK ABOUT

  • How she got from feeling confused, lost, overly controlling to becoming her own best friend

  • How she ditched her Apple watch and learned to listen to her body's needs

  • Why she was still perfectionizing her eating disorder and basically cheated on herself

  • How she stopped overthinking everything and started trusting her heart

  • What it truly means to be kind to yourself

And so much more! 

Have you downloaded the free Self-Care Guide for Perfectionist? Click here to access it:
martinafink.lpages.co/perfectionist-bundle

EPISODE RESOURCES

Download your free Success Guide for Perfectionists
Become a Holistic Health Coach with IIN
Learn more about Perfectionist Rehab

CONNECT WITH APRIL

aprylfranchini.com
instagram.com/aprylfranchini
More than Body Podcast

Thank you so much for listening to this episode! I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below! If you can think of anyone in your life who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them right now! <3

TODAY’S EPISODE TRANSCRIBED:

Martina Fink 0:00

This is episode number 130 with April Franchini Welcome to the Glow Life podcast. The one and only place for ambitious, high achieving and perfectionist women like you who want to leave, overwhelm behind. Turn self doubt into self confidence. And learn to trust yourself again, so that you can work less fully love and accept yourself and live a fulfilled and glowing life. Every week, I'll be giving you tips and inspiration on how to think less, feel more slow down, you can use your body and your daily habits to help you step up, level up and glow up in all areas of your life. This is not just about the big shifts, you can glow just a little more every single day.

Welcome to season two of the Glow Life podcast. So grateful that you are here again after a short break that was so needed over here. And that's one of the first things I actually want to share with you, that I have learned about myself through working through my own perfectionism over the last few years, I would say, I have learned that when something doesn't feel good, we need to change it. We don't need to just push through and pretend we have it all together when really we don't. And that's how I was feeling about the podcast, it became the thing that felt so huge and it felt overwhelming. And I started procrastinating, recording the episodes and getting everything ready on time for my team to upload it so that it can go out to you on time based on a schedule that we had for this. And I started noticing that as soon as I start procrastinating something, there is something that has to change, it is time to listen, when I'm not in flow, I need to get back in flow. And sometimes that means that we need to take a break and do things differently. So I want to give you a really gentle and loving reminder that it is completely safe for you to take a break from whatever you need a break from, it is completely safe for you to do things differently than everybody else would do. And, really whatever you want, you get to trust yourself and to get you get to trust that feeling that is telling you when something is out of alignment, no hard feelings. All that matters is that you do what is right for you.

So my Glow Tip of the Week of this very first episode of season two is that I am giving you permission to listen to yourself. And to leave perfectionism behind for a bit. I don't want you to feel stressed and overwhelmed, or that you're not enough or that you can't get anything done. None of this is serving you. When we feel that we are blocked and we're not in flow. We're not creative. We're not moving forward in our lives. It's time to take a break. And you got to listen to yourself. One of the things that I often do when I am in a situation like this, I asked myself what would love do. In that case, love told me to take a break from the podcast, recharge, get new ideas together, and then start fresh.

Welcome to season two, which is going to be very different from what you have listened to in the past season. From the beginning of this podcast, we are going to bring on more clients to the show because I want you to see the transformations that are truly possible for you when you start to embrace wherever you are right now and give yourself the opportunity to change. Love yourself enough to make a difference and do some work on yourself to release perfectionism. And you get to say, No, I don't want to continue on this overwhelm and stress from my everyday life. So I'm bringing on some of my beautiful clients and I cannot wait to share all of this with you because they're just such wonderful human beings and I want to share their spark with you. I'm also going to be doing some on air coaching on these episodes, which means that someone will come on to the show live and we will do a coaching session together and those are all people that have never worked with me. I don't know what their struggles are before. We get on the call, I just know that they're struggling with perfectionism and overwhelm. And then we get to see what we can explore in a short coaching session, and you get to witness the transformation that someone can go through live on the podcast, I'm really, really excited about this.

If you are someone who would love to do that, and be coached on air on this podcast, you can drop us an email to info@martinafink.com. And let us know, we would love to feature you.

And last but not least, we are also bringing on some special experts in guest interviews, and all of them are going to be in alignment with perfectionism, overwhelm stress, learning to feel that you love yourself and to give yourself the feeling that you are enough. And I'm just really excited to bring all of these different things together to help you on your very own journey to your own glowing life. In the meantime, I also created a new free resource for you if you are a perfectionist and you're struggling with overworking yourself and you have zero work life balance, you only have a work work balance. Basically, I created a free Self Care Guide for perfectionists where I'm sharing three tips for high achievers who are ready to remove, overwhelm and worthless without compromising your results. And without burning yourself out. You will get these tips when you sign up in the link in the show notes and it is completely free. We'd love for you to get a hold of this free guide so that you as a perfectionist can start taking better care of yourself and no, I'm not going to tell you to do face masks. This is a deeper guide.

And now let's get started with the beautiful Apryl Franchini who I had the pleasure to work with last year we started working together at the beginning of the pandemic and she's been through a couple of my programs. She is also a holistic health coach from IIN just like myself, and she specializes in food freedom and body love. She helps women who are struggling or healing from an eating disorder to ditch the scale and eat with zero guilt. And she also has a podcast that is called More Than Body podcast. April just recently moved to Bali in the middle of a pandemic and she is living her very own glow life there. In today's episode, we talk about how she got from feeling confused, lost, overly controlling to becoming her own best friend. How she ditched her Apple Watch and learned to listen to her body's needs. While she was still perfectionizing her eating disorder and basically cheated on herself, how she stopped overthinking everything and started trusting her heart and what it truly means to be kind to yourself and so much more. And you can find everything we talked about today in the show notes at MartinaFink.com/podcast/130.

Welcome, Apryl, I am so excited to have you on the Glow Life podcast today to share a little bit more about your own journey of creating your own glowing life

Apryl Franchini 8:36

I am so excited to be here you have no idea.

Martina Fink 8:41

And you're coming live from Bali, which is so exciting. You have yes to escape the craziness in Switzerland and you're finding yourself in Bali. I'm sure we're gonna dive into that. But really, I want to just take a moment to acknowledge how far you have come in the past six to 12 months, I remember you signed up for one of my mini courses really a couple I would say probably like March or April last year just at the beginning of the pandemic. And since then we've been doing a lot of work together and you know, just really helped you get your mindset in the right place and helped you uplevel yourself love and work through like procrastination and perfectionism and all those things that always get in the way. And so before we go into like how amazing your life is today, I would like for you to take us a little back to where you were about a year ago right at the beginning of the pandemic and how you were feeling back then. What did your life look like a year ago?

Apryl Franchini 9:44

So at the beginning of COVID actually feel like that didn't really hit me because I had just come back from a holiday. So was feeling okay and I actually didn't have any plans for this summer. And usually I have plans for the summer already at the end of the previous summer, you know. So I was feeling kind of good because they thought that everything was working out perfectly, because they went on holiday before. And then still, like I didn't really have plans. But with that being said, mentally, I was still struggling a little bit. Yes, I was still in the IIN program, actually, in March. So I was already thinking about building and open my business. But there was a lot of confusion in my head. And I didn't know where to start, I already had an Instagram where I shared different content to be honest. And it didn't feel that aligned, say really felt out of alignment and they felt kind of lost, you know, I wanted to go in one direction. Or my heart wanted to go in one direction. And my mind was telling me to do something else. And I really felt lost. I didn't know what to do. And I knew I wanted to I remember I wanted to explore or learn how to be more in alignment with my purpose, or actually how to know my purpose. And I wanted to learn more about manifestation. And I remember like chakras and yeah, I just wanted to start a spiritual journey, if you know what I'm saying, you know, I was really superficial, a year ago. And this also reflects or you can see that in the content I was sharing a year ago, I was more into fitness. But not that fitness that it's, it's good, you know, like, it's, it's okay to have like, fitness content. It's beautiful. It's still beautiful.

But what I was really doing, like I said, it wasn't in alignment, so I didn't feel like it was like really helping somebody. It was more a way for me to keep being in my disorder eating without feeling like I was in my disordered eating, if you know what I'm saying. I was still feeling good. Absolutely. Because I've been through a lot when it comes to my eating disorder. So I was definitely feeling good 100% But still, there was this little part of me that was pushing myself to the gym every day and counting how many calories I burned during the workout. And yeah, controlling my not really my weight but simply the way I looked in the mirror and how my clothes were fitting me and everything. So yeah, I just felt really not happy anymore with with myself and I felt like I wanted to change and I don't know if you remember but I remembered that we worked a lot on something counting calories on my on my Apple Watch and moving my body intuitively say remember that with you. I stopped going to the gym for a few months, not only because COVID hit and the gym were closed, but also because I needed a break from the gym. And yeah, it was it was a beautiful journey that one. So yeah, that's a little bit where I was when we first started working together in the group coaching program. Glow Girl Foundations if I'm not wrong, and then I started working with you one on one as well. And that started more for business right.

Martina Fink 13:47

So before we dive into that part because that's when like your transformation starts I really want to kind of talk about some of the pains that you experienced in your life because I know so many people that are listening, experienced the same thing. You know, people who are perfectionist, which I know you are a little bit have this thing that they need to control everything right and for you it was controlling your calories it was controlling that you go to the gym every day it was controlling what you are eating it was controlling that how you fit into your clothes, right and so this control piece is something that is so present for so many people because that's what gives us this feeling of safety like when I can control then I feel safe and I remember you and I having this conversation about getting rid of the Apple Watch right for a while and actually going to the gym without tracking how many calories you burn and, and all of that stuff and actually not going to the gym and still finding a way to feel good and instead of controlling so much finding a way to tune into your body and feel awesome. Your body, what kind of movement Do I need today, because there is nothing wrong with going to the gym at all, if you do it out of love, right, but when you do it from a place of control and fear of like, if I don't go to the gym, I will gain weight. Or if I don't go to the gym, I won't be able to look good in my bikini like all these things, right? Then it comes from this place of fear, where you're forcing yourself. And basically, we wanted to get you to the place where you trust your body. And whatever you do is because it feels good for you. And it's not because of something where you can tick it off the list and say, burn this many calories went to the gym, right?

Apryl Franchini 15:47

Yeah, I, I 100% agree with you. The important thing like there is nothing wrong in going to the gym. Actually, I am going to the gym right now. But it's out of love. So absolutely. The mindset is everything. So what I was struggling the most was like really connect, reconnecting or connecting with, with myself and intuition. I was living my life trying to, I guess, I don't know, feel fulfilled by numbers, if that makes sense. Or feel good, because somebody told me I was being good. So I was more looking for somebody from the external world or something from the external world that would tell me or would actually, yeah, like reminding me, hey, you're good, you're doing something good, you're worth it. Which This is something that you should feel inside, not outside, you know, you're not worth it. Because something had been on the outside, you're worth it, because you're just worth it, you know, from from something from within. So that is exactly what how, how I was feeling. And trying to go back in time. I feel like that was really the reason why I decided to reach out to you and reach out for support. Because it really realized that I wasn't really living my life for me, but more for others.

Martina Fink 17:29

And how did that feel?

Apryl Franchini 17:31

Not fulfilling at all, not in alignment. And I was I remember that one one night, I was actually doing some journaling. And I wasn't really used to it. Yeah, exactly. It was just pretty new. And I was doing journaling, just every now and then. And I remember I was journaling about the fact that I didn't want to live my life like that for the rest of my life. You know, just trying to make others happy, and just trying to appear pretty and worthy. And I don't know, good for others, and not for me. Like, I am important as well. Like I actually am the most important person of my life, you know, and something that you always say I am actually my best friend, you know. So why I was just trying to make others happy and not myself. I was trying to impress others, apparently. And when I realized that I was like, I think I need to change something. Because Yeah, it doesn't it doesn't work like that.

Martina Fink 18:42

Yeah. And that's a big realization where I feel like you're probably everyone listening resonates because we just grow up like that. No, you're you need to please Mom and Dad, you need to please your teachers with good grades and being you know, a well, well behaved child, you need to please your partner and make sure that you do whatever they want and need. And that's just so ingrained in our society that it's really hard to break out of that. And the first step is always to realize it. And you had this realization and your journaling, which is so beautiful, where you're like, you know what, I don't want to continue like this. And that is so great. What would you say was the first step then?

Apryl Franchini 19:26

So looking back now I feel like at that moment when I was writing that, I feel like I didn't even know that there was a realization I just started I was just writing. And I think it hit me a couple days later that maybe this was something that I needed to work on. So I remember I still remember Vedic very clearly how I got to know you. And during those days where I like between me writing those, that thing and Actually realizing that I wanted to have support. I remember that, that I received a memo from IGN. And they were promoting retreats or upcoming events from past students, and you were promoting your retreat here in Bali. And I was like, Oh, that sounds really good. And they feel like I didn't. At that moment, coven wasn't really there, or present like in in Switzerland, or like in Europe in general. So, obviously, you still had your retreat there. And I looked at your profile on Instagram, and I saw you were from Switzerland, I felt so like, Wow, she's from Switzerland as well. This is amazing. I didn't know that. There were like so many other health coaches in Switzerland, because luganda is a very different city or the Italian part of Switzerland is a very different like Cairo, Switzerland. And yeah, I felt like so understood already. I'm saying I just felt super connected with you. So in that moment, it hit me that I wanted to probably, like reach out support from you, because I was looking at your posts and pictures. And I was like, wow, this seems like this seems like the person I really needed in my life, you know. So yeah, that is the first step actually, that I that I took, like, reaching out to you.

Martina Fink 21:37

Oh, so beautiful. And I'm so happy, we were able to, you know, work through all these things together. And it was certainly not always easy, you know, working through these things. And one of the things I remember I also had to teach you is like, reach out when you're struggling, right? You're, you're working with me, so that I can help you. But when you don't tell me that you need help, like, I won't know. And I feel like towards the end of our time together, you were really so used to just saying, you know, Martina I'm struggling with this. Martina, I need help with this, you know, this is going on? Can you help me and I love that so much. Because we often feel guilty to ask for help. And I feel like like seeing you now a year later, as this beautiful, confident woman that has traveled across the planet during COVID completely living your life there and getting clients, you know, from everywhere. It's just so beautiful. And it did start with that first step of realizing I actually need help, or I want help, and then accepting the help and then also asking for it in the process.

Apryl Franchini 22:43

Yeah, absolutely.

Martina Fink 22:45

Let's talk a little bit about what your life looks like now. And obviously, you know, I'm really jealous of your being in Bali, being able to travel, but not everybody might want to travel. But it's not really about you know, you being able to travel and have this freedom. It's really about the feeling that you have today about your life and about yourself that I would love to dive into more. So how would you say you feel about yourself? You mentioned earlier that you're actually your best friend now. So what does that look like?

Apryl Franchini 23:18

Where do I start? It's just so nice in the first place to know that I have my best friend here with me, you know, Everywhere I go, I know that I can count on me. So I'm not afraid of myself or my mind or my heart anymore, which I used to be, especially in my eating disorder. I was very afraid of me in also in the recovery process, because it was always like, oh, but what if the voices inside my head come up again, you know, and now I know that even if something like maybe a voice come comes up in my head. I know how to handle this, you know, and I know how to be kind with myself. I know how to accept these voices in my head sometimes come up, I know how to just to really be compassionate towards myself. And I feel like that is really a list for me what being my best friend means, you know, just knowing that I always have my back and even if I make mistakes, even if I don't finish my to do list for today. I am still a good person. You know I'm still worth it. I'm still I'm still me. It's not Did I am less worthy because I didn't tick off all the things on my to do list or something like that. So yeah, I feel like that is the main thing.

Martina Fink 25:14

I got like full body with goosebumps. So as we were talking, and it's just exactly what you mentioned earlier around, getting the validation from yourself and not from the outside, like your worthiness doesn't depend on how many things you can take off your to do list, but actually how kind you are to yourself and how compassionate you can be. And I feel like seeing you now, after all this work that you've done, I can really feel the shift from your mind. To your heart, you know, in the beginning, you were like I'm feeling lost and confused, and my mind was controlling and I had all these voices in my head, I didn't know where I was going. So there's like a lot of thinking in your brain that almost makes your brain explode at times, right? There's like so much going on. And then over the month of working together, you've been able to bring all of this energy from your head down into your heart space where now you are pined you are compassionate, you feel worthy, like all of those are feelings that we only experience in the heart, right?

Apryl Franchini 26:19

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And I must say, sometimes, I still need to give me a wake up call and tell myself Hey, like, be kind towards yourself, be your own best friend. But I feel like that is part of of the process. Not everything is all like sunshine and rainbows is that how do I say that? I don't remember.

Martina Fink 26:47

rainbows and butterflies, or

Apryl Franchini 26:48

Yes. Yeah. So yeah, I feel like, but it's also nice, because I feel like it. It's exactly on those moments, like the low moments that I realized also how far I've come because they know how to how to handle them, how to nurture myself during those moments as well. And yeah,

Martina Fink 27:11

yeah. And I will say, you know, I go through same things to like I always have, I do have the inner critique, like, those are things that never go away, they will always be there. It's just about how we handle it. And I call this the bounce back time. So how quickly can you shift back into feeling better about yourself? Then you, you know, like, How much time does it actually take you because in the past, when you are in this negative, or, you know, confusing and lost mind, space or mindset, it can take you like a couple of days to get over a crisis, right or over a frustrating situation or moment, like I used to be like that to where I would like, attach to a conflict I had with someone and talk about it for days and spent so much energy into the situation. Whereas now my bounce back time is probably a couple hours. So I just know exactly. I'm frustrated, allowing myself to feel moving through the process, do what I need to do take care of myself, take a break, cancel things, you know, you all know all the things you need, so that you can feel better as quickly as possible. So it's not that we're ignoring all the difficulties. It's not that we don't get them. But we just know how to bounce back so much quicker, because we know ourselves like is that we are our own best friend. So we always know how to help our best friend, right?

Apryl Franchini 28:35

Yes, absolutely. Yeah. And I feel like, of course, we are humans. So we go through this low moments or down moments. And that's completely fine, actually. And they and I remember, like, usually I remind myself this a lot, but it's because of the low moments that we can actually have the high moments, you know,

Martina Fink 29:01

yeah, life is not an even like the Glow Life is not about being happy all the time. It's about getting to know yourself feeling the really high highs. And then when you're feeling low, just knowing that you can treat yourself with kindness and that better times will come again like that's that's absolutely normal. What is what would you say is the number one habit that has that you've been able to create that has truly helped you reconnect or connect or establish that relationship with your own best friend?

Apryl Franchini 29:31

Probably journaling and meditation. Yeah, definitely. I used to journal a little bit and do some meditations. But since I've worked with you, I am very consistent with those and that can feel the difference.

Martina Fink 29:51

Yeah, it's it's a space to have a conversation, specifically journaling, like you actually take the time to write whether it's to you yourself or about yourself, you know, you have this conversation in writing. And it's not just all the crazy thoughts in your mind. So I love that. It's a very consistent practice for me as well, where I just write out some thoughts without expectations without results. It's just about taking the moment to have an actual conversation with myself and check in with how am I feeling right now. So that's really beautiful. And then meditation really helps to just also feel into your heart and what are emotions that are currently present?

Apryl Franchini 30:33

Yeah, absolutely. You know, when I'm journaling, it's really nice, because the, all the you know, I overthink a lot. Notice. So when I am overthinking the situation, or just things in general, putting them on paper, like actually like with my hands and energy, putting them away from my body, helps me a lot.

Martina Fink 31:03

That's why it's so powerful. For example, when you can't sleep, because you're thinking about tomorrow's to do list and all the ideas you have you write it down, it's parked on the piece of paper, you don't need to worry about it. So that's so beautiful. What would you say is the number one thing you learned about yourself in the past year,

Apryl Franchini 31:23

I learned a lot when it comes to, especially moving my body since that was one of the main points that we worked on. And it really do a really deep learn how, what makes me feel happy? and what doesn't make me feel happy, if that makes sense. Like, I also learned where I was lying to myself. Yeah, it's just very difficult one to to answer.

Martina Fink 31:57

Yeah, I mean, you have answered it completely. You know, maybe it's not a number one thing, but there's several things that you have learned about yourself. And that's it. It's really a big thing to realize, where am I actually cheating on myself? Because we're constantly cheating on ourselves. If we're not truly stepping into the kind of life that we desire,

Apryl Franchini 32:20

yeah, yeah.

Martina Fink 32:22

You know, that I'm all about the glow life. So what does living a glowing life mean to you personally, now, Apryl?

Apryl Franchini 32:30

For me, it means really prioritizing myself every day with something that I know makes me feel happy, and loved. And just grateful, grateful for for everything for my life for my body. So it means waking up every day, and knowing that I can really dedicate the morning for myself. And then I know that I can, I have a job that really makes me feel happy, and grateful and fulfilled.

Martina Fink 33:15

And going to cool places in Bali and eating smoothie bowls, from like a tropical cafe.

Apryl Franchini 33:21

Definitely, definitely. But it really, it really means feeling happy and loved in my, in my heart. Just Just that.

Martina Fink 33:32

Yeah. And you don't create that feeling overnight. So, so proud of you for for doing that. And for you know, creating this space for you as well, every single day, because most people don't do that. So this is a big deal.

Apryl Franchini 33:50

Right? Yes, absolutely. And, actually, it's really nice to go back in time and see how far you have come. And you also know that I usually struggle a lot when it comes to celebrating myself, and seeing how far I've come. And I am I'm still working on that. But yeah, it's always nice because in one year, or even in just one month, a lot of can change.

Martina Fink 34:20

So much can change. I remember you coming to the calls, and asking me to dance together because you had something to celebrate, you know, and I'm like, of course I can dance together and celebrate you I love that.

Apryl Franchini 34:33

Yeah, I found it hard and sometimes I still find it hard to celebrate myself. So like knowing that I had somebody to like actually dance with and celebrate myself with feeling like like the better. You know, it doesn't know how to explain but I was like, Yeah, I can celebrate myself if there is somebody else but actually I can also celebrate myself by myself.

Martina Fink 34:58

Yes, just For you, for no reason.

Apryl Franchini 35:02

Absolutely, yes.

Martina Fink 35:05

Tell me what your favorite smoothie is.

Apryl Franchini 35:09

Oh, difficult question. I am obsessed with green smoothie bowls. I just love spirulina inside smoothies, I just love it. So, in every menu, I always choose the green smoothie bowl, with granola on top, and bananas and frozen blueberries, and shredded coconut, and peanut butter on top.

Martina Fink 35:37

So good. What are three things that you are grateful for today?

Apryl Franchini 35:43

I am so grateful for us for being here with you. You just been kind of a long time since we actually haven't like spoken face to face. So it feels amazing to be here again with you. And I am also grateful. Because today I had my day with client calls. And it's always nice to connect with my clients. And I am also grateful for being here. Actually just being here.

Martina Fink 36:14

Hmm. Yeah. So beautiful. Is there anything else you would like to share with our listeners today? Before we talk about like how people can connect with you?

Apryl Franchini 36:24

I reminder that if you are even thinking about changing something in your life, I know it's scary. It's real. Yeah, it's really scary to to change something and to take the first step. But do it really just do it? Because it's worth it. And at the end, you will actually Wish you started before this journey. So just do it.

Martina Fink 36:55

Yeah, do it now. Now's the time. love it so much. So where can people connect with you and potentially work with you if anyone is struggling with eating disorders?

Apryl Franchini 37:05

So I am hanging out most on Instagram and I am a I'm sorry, I am at Apryl Franchini. Yes, April, Franchini. And yes, my name is spelled with a Y instead of an I.

And I also have a website at aprylfranchini.com. And I have a podcast called More Than Body.

Martina Fink 37:33

Beautiful. And we will link all of those in the show notes as well. So anyone listening, please go check out Apryl, this beautiful young woman who has come so far in a year. And you know, I just want to also say that anything that you have achieved and I have achieved in my own life and my own personal transformation is something that anyone can like it's not this is not rocket science, to learn to love yourself and to learn to become your own best friend and be kind to yourself and you know, shift the focus from what everyone else from once from you to the inside. It is really something that any single person on this planet can achieve. So we're not special guys. We are not.

Apryl Franchini 38:21

Yes, we are just humans here. So

Martina Fink 38:26

Thank you so much for coming onto the show today, Apryl and for sharing so openly about your own journey and your struggles and how you know you've been able to transform over the past couple of months. And it's just so beautiful to see how you're thriving now in your in your life and with your clients and how you everything that the kind of work that we've done together, you're now able to pass that on to all your beautiful women in your community. And like that is really how we make change. We don't just make it for ourselves, we make it for the people and for the lives that we touched. So whether that's your clients, your partner, your children, you know, we always it always ripples out. So I'm really proud of you and for the hard work you have done and thank you so much for sharing this with me.

Apryl Franchini 39:13

Of course, thank you for being such a great coach and mentor.

Martina Fink 39:19

I am so grateful to have Apryl in my beautiful community of wonderful clients and to see her efforts and self love that she built over this past year for herself ripple out to all the women that she touches with her work but also outside of work.

If you are someone who is struggling with overwhelm control, self love, low self worth stress, and you have a lot of negative self talk and perfectionism just like Apryl used to head to the link in the show notes to grab your free self care guide for perfectionist or you can also join us and perfectionist rehab which is a 90 day healing journey out of overwhelm into a fulfilled and loving and glowing life. You can find all the details on martinafink.com/rehab. It would mean the world to me if you left us a review for this episode if this was in any way helpful for you and inspires you to live your very own glowing life. Follow the glow Live podcast on iTunes and Spotify and for everything we mentioned in today's episode, you can go check out the show notes at MartinaFink.com/podcast/130. If somebody that you love and truly care about needs to hear this episode, please forward it to them right now. I would so love to connect with you on social media you can find me at Martina glows on Instagram and Facebook. And thank you for being here today and for caring for yourself deeply. What you do for yourself is going to impact every single soul that you touch. So it's all so worth it. And don't forget that you deserve to feel glowing and confident.


WANT MORE? GET YOUR FREE SELF-CARE GUIDE

3 Tips for High Achieving Perfectionists Who Are Ready to Remove Overwhelm and Work Less

...WITHOUT COMPROMISING RESULTS AND BURNING YOURSELF OUT

I created a free self-care guide if you’re someone who always puts everyone else - especially work! - first and needs some tips for perfectionists to slow down again! Click the button below to download your self-care guide for free:


DISCLAIMER

All material in this episode is provided for your information only and may not be construed as medical advice or instruction. No action or inaction should be taken based solely on the contents of this podcast episode. Instead, readers should consult appropriate health professionals on any matter relating to their health and well-being.

The information and opinions expressed here are believed to be accurate, based on the best judgement available to the speakers, and readers and listeners who fail to consult with appropriate health authorities assume the risk of any injuries. In addition, the information and opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of every contributor. The Company acknowledges occasional differences in opinion and welcomes the exchange of different viewpoints.

#129 Harmonic Health and Healing with Dr. Linda Lancaster

 
 

If you're somebody who skips lunch or eats at your desk, because you're always so busy that you "forget" to eat, this episode has the power to change your life forever. We're talking deep health things today and you will not want to ever go back to the health habits you have now...

Dr. Linda Lancaster is an Energy Medicine physician and the founder of Light Harmonics Institute, an Energy Medicine Clinic and Educational Center. Her training includes Ayurveda, Yoga, subtle energy healing, counseling, nutrition, herbal medicine, detoxification and more. After kicking off her health journey as a yogi and vegetarian chef in the 70's, Linda now guides her family, community, and patients to achieve holistic balance and fulfillment in life.

Dr. Linda is the author of the book "Harmonic Healing", which is a culmination of 40 years of practice and tools that she uses for her own health and her patients. 

IN TODAY’S EPISODE, WE TALK ABOUT

  • Why your health should be the no. 1 priority you pay attention to

  • The power of our bodies' innate ability to heal themselves

  • Why you should bless your food every day

  • Her top tips to eliminate toxins and get started on a harmonic healing journey

  • How to open yourself up to receive love and heal emotionally

And so much more! 

You can find the full show notes here:
martinafink.com/podcast/129

Have you downloaded the free Perfectionist Self-Care Bundle yet? Click here to access it:
martinafink.lpages.co/perfectionist-bundle

EPISODE RESOURCES

The Milk Cleanse
Materia Medica
Books by Rudolf Steiner
Heal Thyself - Edward Bach

CONNECT WITH Dr. Linda

lightharmonics.com
Light Harmonics Instagram
Light Harmonics Facebook
Dr. Linda Lancaster Instagram

Thank you so much for listening to this episode! I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below! If you can think of anyone in your life who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them right now! <3

 
 

FREE BUNDLE

The 3 Steps High Achieving Perfectionists Can Take
For A Healthier Work-Life Balance

 
 

These Are The 3 Elements Included In The Perfectionist Self-Care Bundle

01 Where Is Your Self-Care At?

With this quick assessment workbook, you will be able to detect where you're at with your self-care and what your next step is to improve the quality time you spend recharging yourself.

02 Why Is Self-Care Important for Perfectionists? And How Do I Start?

Self-care is key for a healthy work-life balance for high achievers. You work a lot and you're easily stressed, right? Get my top 6 tips to kickstart your self-care without feeling overwhelmed. Shift from "doing" to "being" and find peace in your busy life.

03 Full Body Stress-Release Meditation

Stress and overwhelm isn't jut in the mind. It also shows in your cells, your muscle tension, and your hormones. Relaxation start with releasing stress from the physical body. Take a moment to relax every single part of your body to get grounded again.


DISCLAIMER

All material in this episode is provided for your information only and may not be construed as medical advice or instruction. No action or inaction should be taken based solely on the contents of this podcast episode. Instead, readers should consult appropriate health professionals on any matter relating to their health and well-being.

The information and opinions expressed here are believed to be accurate, based on the best judgement available to the speakers, and readers and listeners who fail to consult with appropriate health authorities assume the risk of any injuries. In addition, the information and opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of every contributor. The Company acknowledges occasional differences in opinion and welcomes the exchange of different viewpoints.

#128 Black Girl in Love (with Herself) with Trey Anthony

 
EP #128.png
 

If you ever struggled with loving yourself, hit rock bottom, and are always the very last priority after everyone else in your life, you're going to love this episode with Trey Anthony, the author of "Black Girl in Love (with Herself)". This is THE self-help book that gives black women a relatable voice and supports them on how to practice self-care and self-love.

Since Trey could never truly relate to all the personal development experts because of the color of her skin, she has written the book she would have needed as a black woman that often acted like she didn't exist.

Growing up, she was taught that self-love and expressing emotions were weak, and that she had to be a strong woman. This lead to Trey hitting rock bottom just a year ago, when she found herself crying on the bathroom floor and her life fell apart. She had a deep conversation with God/Universe: She then knew she had to make her mess her message and help others heal, too.

IN TODAY’S EPISODE, WE TALK ABOUT

  • Why we so often ignore red flags in relationships - and how to no longer do that!

  • How she got back up after her life fell apart as soon as she adopted a 2-week old baby

  • Why avoiding emotions is not a weakness at all

  • How to be kinder to yourself

  • Her top tips on how to kickstart your self-love journey when all you want to do is run away

And so much more! 

You can find the full show notes here:
martinafink.com/podcast/128

Have you downloaded the free Perfectionist Self-Care Bundle yet? Click here to access it:
martinafink.lpages.co/perfectionist-bundle

EPISODE RESOURCES

Sign up for the 2021 New Year's Vision Mini Retreat on January 23, 2021
(offer limited, expires on Jan, 22, 2021)

You Can Heal Your Life - by Louise Hay

Get Trey's Book: Black Girl In Love With Herself

CONNECT WITH TREY

treyanthony.com
Instagram
Facebook

TODAY’s EPISODE TRANSCRIBED:

Martina: This is episode number 128 with Trey Anthony.
Welcome to the Glow Life Podcast. The one and only place for ambitious, high achieving and perfectionist women like you who want to leave, overwhelm behind. Turn self doubt into self confidence. And learn to trust yourself again, so that you can work less fully love and accept yourself and live a fulfilled and glowing life.

Every week, I'll be giving you tips and inspiration on how to think less, feel more slow down and use your body and your daily habits to help you step up, level up and glow up in all areas of your life. This is not just about the big shifts, you can glow just a little more every single day.

Welcome back to the glow Live podcast. Today we're going to talk about self love, it's going to be a very, very, very beautiful episode that Trey and I have created for you. But before we dive in, I wanted to quickly remind you that on this coming weekend, Saturday, January 21, I am hosting a 2021 New Year's vision mini retreat. This is an online event to help you create new visions. It's also a time for you where you get to develop ideas and inspiration for this new year. And we are going to get together as a group of international women, which I'm really excited about from everywhere in the world where we are going to set intentions for the workshop but also for the year. And we usually start our workshops off with a celebration party.

So this is not your regular sit down and map out your logical goals for the year kind of event, we're going to bring in all the emotions that we need to create a beautiful vision for this new year. So after celebrating where we are right now, in our lives, no matter how much you feel like you are on your path or off your path, it does not matter we're gonna celebrate anyway, then we're going to dive into brainstorming, planning, making sure that you're prioritizing the right things in this new year. And we will do a beautiful visualization and journaling practice where you get to dive into the emotion of it and into the imagery of what your life will look like this year. And get really clear on the fears that are holding you back so far, or why the things you want to achieve this year haven't happened in your life quite yet.

Towards the end of our workshop, there will be time to share all of the things that have come up for you in this class. And there is also time to ask questions and get coached by me with anything that's coming up for you around your goals. Why you deserve them, why you feel like you may not deserve them all of the things right? Sometimes we believe we want something but we're not fully ready to dive in and face the fears that come along with it right. Because big visions and big dreams usually come with a big load of fear, because we are not quite there yet. And the fears are trying to hold us back and keep us stuck where we are.

So if this sounds like something you would love to be a part of spending a Saturday morning, afternoon, depending on where you live in the world with a group of women brainstorming, dancing, celebrating vibing high into this new year, then head over to my shownotes the link below and you can find the link to sign up there. You can also just head to my website, Martina fink.com and sign up there as well.

And now let's get started with Trey Anthony. And if you ever struggled with loving yourself if you ever hit rock bottom, or if you are always the very last priority after everyone else in your own life, you're going to love this episode with Trey because she is the author of black girl in love with herself. This is the self help book that gives black women a relatable voice and supports them on how to practice self care and self love. Everything she says is for any woman no matter what skin color you have. And since Trey could never really relate to all the personal development experts because of the color of her skin. She has written the book she would have needed As a black woman that often acted like she didn't exist.

Growing up, she was taught that self love and expressing emotions were a weakness and that she had to be a strong woman. This led to tread hitting rock bottom, just about a year ago, when she found herself crying on the bathroom floor and her life fell apart. She had a really deep conversation with God or the universe on that day, and then she knew she had to make her mess her message and help others heal as well. In today's episode, we talk about why we so often ignore red flags and relationships, and how to no longer do that, how she got back up after her life fell apart as soon as she adopted a two week old baby. Why avoiding emotions is not a weakness at all. How to be kinder to yourself in everyday situations, her top tips on how to kickstart your self love journey, when all you want to do is run away, and so much more.

And you can find everything we talked about today in the show notes at Martina fink.com slash podcast slash one to eight. Welcome, Trey. I'm so grateful and excited to talk to you today.

Trey: Thank you for having me. I'm excited as well.

Martina: So you have written this beautiful book that was just launched last week, I think, right?

Trey: Yes. Last week, Tuesday.

Martina: Black Girl In Love With Herself.

Trey: Yes.

Martina: What made you write this book?

Trey: Well, for me, it was really about I've always been a big fan of self help books. You know, I read the secret The Four Agreements, you can heal your life by Louise Hay. And I don't think there's a self help book there that I haven't read. Right. Right, Gabrielle Bernstein. And I recognized for myself, as much as I really enjoyed those books, there was something that felt very unique to me as a black woman reading these books, and I didn't think it just encompassed all of my reality. And so I was also at that time in a really great relationship that I believed that I had manifested. And I was kind of like, Oh, you know, I affirmed this, I manifested, I put this out into the universe. And I want to write this book about how to manifest great relationships.

So I got approached by Hay House to do this book. And then of course, they always say, if you want to make God laugh, make a plan. Five months before the book was due to the editor, my whole relationship blew up in my face. And I was just like, okay, I can't write a self help book now about how to mend a wonderful and amazing relationship, if that's not what's happening to me.

So I called them back and I said, I have a book, but I want to write a book about how to get back up off the bathroom floor, when your life no longer looks like what you imagined. And it was really a book of healing for me and really looking at how did I miss a lot of red flags in my own life, how my own childhood really influenced the decisions that I made in my own life. And it really was a book about telling women that sometimes when things don't go according to plan, sometimes it's a divine plan to do some inner work and healing.

Martina: Yeah, I couldn't agree more. It's almost like there's this magic hand orchestrating theme for us and we want we're so attached to how we want things to go. And when they don't go that way. We're like, What just happened? And finding that trust again, and believing that there is something good in all the bad, which is very difficult to understand is is like, I think a key element on that journey?

Trey: Definitely, definitely. Because if you had told me a year ago that I would be on a press tour for a book about the worst moment in my life. I would be like, no. And yet, I think because I had hit rock bottom. And I was so vulnerable and so transparent, about how devastated I was, and how I no longer recognized my life. This was the book that really resonated with folks the most, because I think all of us have had a moment in our life where you wake up and you're like, how could this be my life? Like, what the hell happened here?

Martina: Oh, yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. And I've gone through something similar a year and a half ago, and it was the exact same thing like how did this even happen? Same thing, ignoring red flags, like not really following the heart always. But we come to this point where we're left with, the only thing that we can do is now take an action step.

So what happened on that bathroom floor. How did you get back up?

Trey: Yeah, well, it was funny, I said a prayer. And I just want to put it in context for your listeners. I had recently with my partner adopted a brand new baby. So I had a two week old baby, we had just moved into a brand new condo, where we were getting ready to decorate the nursery and everything else. And we had just moved in there about three weeks before I got a text, saying I no longer want to do this relationship. And then the pandemic hit. So I was dealing with all of those things, a brand new baby at demise of a five year relationship, mothering in a pandemic, and I was on that bathroom floor and I said, God, universe, I don't want to live like this.

And they said, I don't want to die. But I don't want to live like this. And I said, I don't know what to do. And it was like, this divine moment. And it was like this voice said to me, make your mess, your message. This is going to heal a lot of people, but you need to figure out how you got here. And it was just like this calmness went over. And he and I looked in the mirror. And I was just like, you know what, Trey, you haven't been loving yourself enough. And starting today, this is what self love is going to look like. Because you gave that job of loving you over to someone else. And now you don't know how to do it. And so that was really what happened on that floor. Like I really made a commitment to myself that I was going to practice self care and self love every single day.

But also look at why I had chosen to really avoid and pretend not to see all of the red flags that were happening in my relationship and how I chose partners and how I gave and gave and gave and really expected nothing back. And where did I learn that from? Right? So it was really this new revelation of like, Okay, we got to reinvent you, because you've been making some really bad choices. And it would be really easy to make my ex partner the villain, but I set the common denominator in how things have ended in your relationship. Are you like you choose the same people over and over again? And you got to do something different?

Martina: Yeah, there's always two people in every situation, every conflict, any real difficult situations. Like you said, we get ourselves into it, we could have checked out earlier. So when you say, you know, you went down this journey of identifying the red flags? What What did you find out? Why were there so many red flags that you ignored?

Trey: For me, I think the biggest one and I talked about this in the book, I think, especially when women reached the ages between 35 to 40. And I could say for myself, definitely, I had this checklist and the timeline in my head, right? So it was kind of like, well, you meet your divine person by age 30, you buy your first house together, you have children together. And you should have your career at this point, you should do this. And you should do that. And to be really honest, I did not want to start again with somebody I just dislike, I'm too old for the shit right now. I don't want to start again, asking somebody what their favorite color is, I just really don't care. Right.

So I was just like, I am invested in this relationship. I want it to work. And I'm going to do everything in my power to make it work. And to be quite honest, too. I have curated this wonderful life on social media with my partner. And so I was just like, I don't want anyone to not put hashtag couple goals underneath my picture anymore. Right? And so I was just like, I am going to make this work. And I ignored the fact that I was the only one rowing this boat. And because I was so invested in it. And so for me, that was one of the reasons why I ignored a lot of red flags. I also ignored a lot of red flags, because I tend to be which is fun to eat, that it can really work in your favor, a very optimistic person. Like I'm always like, the glass is full. And so there's also a flip side to that if you're the type of person who's always like, I can make this work. There's a positive something in this. Right.

It really worked against me because I instead of listening to that little voice might be a little off here. I was like No, let me dig for the positivity. There's something good in here. And so I think that was really my biggest concern and then so My relationship, my partner was quite much more financially secure than me. And so there was definitely a component of financial security that the relationship provided for me that I never had, I came from a background, a childhood of always experiencing a lot of money insecurity in my household. And I didn't realize until I got out of that relationship, and I ran about it really, in a very vulnerable way. I said, I gave up a lot of my power and became the child in this relationship, because I wanted somebody to finally take care of me. And so because of that, I ignored a lot of things and didn't show up as a fully actualized adult in the relationship.

And so I gave a lot of my power away, I gave a lot of my voice away, because I was so invested in someone finally, taking care of me, in a way financially, but I ignored the piece that sometimes people also have to take care of you emotionally. And that's the part that was really missing.

Martina: And it's so interesting how our childhood behavior just keeps coming up until we learned the lessons the hard way, right?

Trey: Oh, girl, yes. And the universe will let you make that learn that lesson, you can run away from it. And I talk about that in the book, I ran away from this for so many years, around what I call my money shape, right of growing up poor growing up working class, having a family who weren't able to provide for me having a very transient childhood of moving from home to home. And I ignored that. That's how I showed up in a lot of relationships of hoping that someone will say, I got you, or you know, you don't have to worry about money, or this is a safe space, instead of creating it for myself. And so it was only after I did the work in a work and I went to therapy. I was like, Okay, what is missing here? What happened here? And, and that was really the biggest piece of the little girl who showed up in that relationship, wanting someone to love her and take care of her.

Martina: Beautiful. And then the first thing is to love yourself and take care of yourself.

Trey: Right? Exactly. And that was the lesson like I was just like, you can no longer give that to somebody else to do for you. That has to come from you.

Martina: And what did that look like? Specifically, when you started loving yourself more? Like, what were the things you started doing for you? Would there be like a first number one thing that you would recommend everybody should do if they're starting on this journey as well.

Trey: I think the first thing that I would recommend is journaling, I think you have to have a really honest conversation with yourself. And for me, it was sitting down with that little eight year old nine year old tray and saying what are you scared of? Like, really? What are you scared of? And for me, when I started writing it, one of it was like, I was I was scared of being alone. I was scared of someone not loving me enough. I was scared that someone would say, oh, someone like you doesn't deserve to be loved. You're you're poor. You know, you're, you're a chubby black girl, you are this you are that and all of those messaging came up.

And so you have to have a really honest conversation about to that little girl to say okay, and then the second part is then how do we now take care of you in a way that feels safe for you. And that was something that I started to do. Like, I started to really look at the relationship that I had with money. And I started to do money, affirmations, I started to educate myself around money. I got a financial planner, I got a well done, I started watching all of these YouTube videos about money. I also went to therapy, that was a huge healing part for me. And then exercise was another good thing meditation, buying my own damn flowers for myself instead of waiting for someone to buy me flowers. Right?

Because that was showing me that I was worthy. Like, I was like, why are you waiting for someone to do that for you? Right? And something as simple as saying to myself, you also can rest when you're tired. I'm really a type A personality. And that was a way that I got a lot of kind of, you know, accolades and Pat's on my back was everyone's like, Oh, she's, you know, she's so accomplished. She worked so hard. She's a high achiever. And sometimes I was, you know, dead tired. And I was doing all of these things because I wanted people to praise me. And so one of my biggest self care tips was acknowledging when I was tired, and also learning to say no, that I didn't have to be this people pleaser of everybody saying yes to so many things. Because I wanted everybody to like me. Yeah. So that was another big thing for me.

Martina: Yeah. So you literally covered everything, all the self care tips that everybody should get started from buying yourself flowers to resting and saying no. And journaling, like all of those things are so great. And I believe the most important step in loving yourself, like you say, is having a conversation with you. Because we constantly have conversations with other people. We watch conversations in movies, and you know, social media, but we rarely take the time to actually have that conversation with ourselves. So I love that you started with that, because it's, it's needed.

Trey: And it's so needed. There's a part in the book where I said, If I was a black girl in love with myself, I would sit by myself and be with myself. And knowing being by myself doesn't mean I normally are desperate, it will give me a chance to have conversations with myself and the universe to find out who I am. And that was a really important part for me, because I think I made myself so busy. So I didn't have to have these conversations with myself and listen to my gut. Right?


So I became this person who was going from one project to another busy, busy, busy work, work, work, pouring all of my emotions also into my partner in my relationship, and not looking at, hey, like, what about you? Where do you fit into this? Right? And then I think a lot of times, too, we also associate, being by yourself with being lonely, or being alone with lonely. And I think we need to really examine that conversation that we give to women that the only time you can feel like you've accomplished something, is if you're in a relationship, and somebody has picked you, right? And I'm kind of like, no, now we need to pick ourselves. And I was really guilty of that, of thinking that my relationship status was more important than my own happiness.

Martina: Yeah. And it's something that is very ingrained in our society of what a successful woman looks like. Like, the type of woman you described is exactly the type of woman I work with, in my coaching practice. Because I used to be that woman two, couple years ago, you know, of like working really hard. And it's so much more important what's in my CV than how I actually feel and kind of just almost like, having the mindset of, well, I just signed up for this kind of life. That's just what it's going to be like, you know, everybody is doing that everybody is working a job and working hard and burning themselves out. And then at the same time somehow building a relationship and starting a family and like, just because everybody else does that doesn't mean you have to do it too wild, burning yourself to the ground.

Trey: Right, exactly. And I think it's giving ourselves permission to change our mind. And to make changes, because a lot of times we stain things, because we're kind of like, well, we went down that path, right? And this is what I chose. And this is like you said, the life that I chose, but you can also stop in your life and go, Hey, this no longer fits me, this no longer serves me, this is no longer who I want to be. And sometimes you don't even have that choice, because I would have still been in that same light. But the universe was like, hey, this no longer fits you. This no longer serves you. So I'm gonna blow it up in your face. Because you ain't going nowhere. Unless I change this for you. Right?

Martina: I agree. I saw this quote a couple years ago that said something like, I had to make you uncomfortable, otherwise, you wouldn't have loose from the universe. So it's like, if I don't get all the million red flags that I'm showing you, then I have to kind of rip you out of your life,

Trey: Rip you out of your life. And that's exactly what happened to me. Like I was like, Okay, I'm going down this path that the universe was like, No, look, look, look, the whole path. You cannot go down this path any longer. So we're just gonna destroy it. So you have no choice but to go somewhere else.

Martina: Beautiful. I mean, not so beautiful in the moment, but the outcome, obviously beautiful

Trey: In the outcome. Yes. Because in that moment, girl, I was just like, I don't think I'm gonna make this type of something. I can say I don't think I like this. I don't think I'm going to make it. But here I am. On the other side of that. And I think that's what I offer to women in the book is those moments when you hit rock bottom, and then you realize your rock bottom. He also has steps leading them to a basement. You will be surprised at how you're able to slowly get back up and rebuild. Right. And you're going to surprise yourself and I never thought I was going to make it and here I am.

Martina: I know funny, huh? In that moment, you think it's the end of the world. Yeah,

Trey: Definitely.

Martina: suddenly the strength comes to come to get back up and start again.

Trey: And start again. Yeah. And you'd be stronger and wiser and better for it.

Martina: You learn your lessons the hard way, sometimes

Trey: the hard way, the hard way.

Martina: How do you think your story specifically resonates with other black women who go through similar?

Trey: I think for me, there is definitely a component in the book where I talk about vulnerability. And I talk about as a black woman, I never learned my mother is Jamaican, my grandmother's also Jamaican, very hard working women. And what I learned from them was, there's no room to break down and cry, that you just get back up. And I remember when I was going through all of this, my mother came to help me with my son. And she said to me, Well, you know, you can't make this destroy you. You have to remember your grandmother and your mother had it way worse.

And I write in the book, at that moment, I realized that my mother can give me pep talks of how to be strong. But what my mother can't give me is information and knowledge of how to be tender and soft to myself. And at that moment, I didn't want a pep talk, what I wanted was the safe space, to be able to break down and cry and say, I'm scared, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life. I need someone to hold me physically and emotionally. And that was not something that my mother was capable of.

And so having a conversation with so many black women, a lot of women say to me, we always get that, you know, and every person heard the strong black woman, stereotype of, oh, we're strong. And I said, but what if you're not? Right, then what happens? And so I think that's where the book really resonates with a lot of black women of giving them the space to say, we need to stop encouraging that dialogue. And I myself, I said in the book, I was guilty of it, of when my friends came to me, I'd be like, Girl, you got this, and I'll send them empowering quotes. And I'll be like, I got you back.

And instead of just saying, Hey, sis, maybe you might want to cry about Let me hear what you need from me. How can I support you? Right, or really sucks, you must feel really hurt about that. Right? And I think a lot of times, I went into this mode of like, I'm going to be your cheering squad, where sometimes you just need to open your arms to people and say, I'm gonna just create a circle of love around you. And you need to break down and feel safe in that. And that was something that I had to learn.

Martina: Yeah, it's something that is also very unique to our feminine nature of providing a space and being nurturing and caring. However, we, I feel like this is something that's happening in in the entire world now, like women are becoming more aware of that feminine gifts that we have of actually providing care and a safe place and nourishment and compassion to other people and ourselves, which we have been neglecting for a long time in this very masculine driven world of like, you have to work hard, you have to have a career, you have to tick all the boxes. It's beautiful to see.

But it's really hard because we have to constantly question our own beliefs and our own behavior around how we treat ourselves and how we treat others. Because what I see often now is women are more and more compassionate with other women, and like, you know, have a more compassionate pep talk. Yeah, I would say but then with themselves, they're still like, No, you shouldn't be. Yeah. So that's kind of like the next layer that women need to learn is to also hold that space for themselves.

Trey: Yes, definitely. Definitely. Definitely.

Martina:
So beautiful. So if you were to give your younger self some advice,

Trey: what would you say? I would say, it gets better. And you don't have to be so critical of yourself that you are doing a really great job, you know, and I think for me, I grew up with a mother and grandmother who were always like, Okay, well, what's next? What are you going to do? If I had three A's and came with one B, they'd be like, what's this be doing here? And so, for me, I was really hard on myself really hyper critical of myself. And I think I I would just say to my younger self, you're doing a great job, you're really doing your best, and you're amazing.

And that was something even in the book, every single chapter of the book, ends with affirmations. And a lot of those affirmations are rooted in just love and kindness, you know, like, I am worthy of love. Today, I'm going to be soft and tender with myself. I show up each and every day in my authentic self. Life supports me, wherever I go, I'm fully loved. So it's every single chapter has some sort of affirmation. And that was something that was also part of my self help, and self care and healing for myself, is the daily affirmations instead of listening to that negative voice in my head was like, Oh, you're not working hard enough? Or Oh, you're so stupid, or why would you think that? Or, you know, I started to say, No, I'm gonna switch that voice out into something that actually affirms my worthiness and my value.

Martina: Hmm, yes. That's a great, great first step to do. So hard sometimes, though. Yes, yes.

Trey: And, you know, and to be honest, like, some days, I'm really great at it. And then there's some days I'm like, Oh, God, right. And so I think, like I said, In the book, it's, it's an ongoing journey. You never get to that final destination of like, oh, every single day, I love myself. And every single day, I'm doing my affirmations. And every day, I think I'm great. No, right. But if you can get to a 6040, we're doing good girl. Right. And we just keep building up for that. And that's what I say, because I was always on the far extreme of negative talk. Right? So I'm trying every single day to at least get to some balance, and be on the other flip side of that more days than not.

Martina: Yeah, and also not judging you for coming back. It will always be there. It's not something Yes, we can ever, you know, avoid or completely eliminate from our lives, we just get better at handling it. And I feel like a first big step is to not judge when that voice comes up. If there are like you said, there are days where it comes up louder, and others were a little more taking a break, taking a break from

Trey: you taking a break. That's right.

Martina: What would you say has been the biggest lesson that you have learned through writing the book, through your experience in the past year,

Trey:
my biggest lesson has been when you are open with your hurt, and your shame, and your guilt. It allows others to do the same. If there's one thing that I've heard from the book and women who have been writing me sending me emails, black, white, Asian, indigenous you name it has been, I can't believe I'm not the only one. And you made me really believe that I wasn't alone. And I thank you for being this vulnerable. Because it's now allowing me to have difficult conversations with my friend's family myself. And I cannot believe how open you were with your hurts. And for me, it was something that I could no longer carry around shame and guilt by myself anymore.

Because it was eating away at me. And so I think when you put it out in the open, it no longer has control over you anymore. Because I'm like, I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about there are some days that I don't feel good enough I'm going to talk about, there's some days, I don't feel pretty enough that I'm going to talk about sometimes, because I grew up working class, I don't feel that I'm worthy of good and nice things. I'm going to talk about how it feels to love somebody, and they just walk out of your life and not even with a backward glance, see how you're doing and how that hurts like hell. And I'm going to talk about how I gave away my power, because I didn't think I was worthy enough to be chosen.

And when you have those kind of conversations, and you say this is me, other women kind of go oh my god, Yeah, me too. So that is what I have found with this book. When I keep saying, I realized when I said let my mess be my message. It was the universe's way of saying other women are going to heal from you and your mess because a lot of us are in a lot of damage. A lot of times we think it's

Martina:
it's wild. Like we really think the thing we are experiencing and struggling with the most it's only me like Poor me that I have two experiences. Nobody in the entire world will be able to understand how that feels. But your vulnerability and your willingness to be so open about how you felt and what you were going through. It just shows that we're all the same. Like everybody the same. Everybody goes through heartbreak and difficult situations and yeah, amen. Makes you feel less alone?

Trey: Yes, definitely.

Martina: I have a couple of quick questions for you. Yeah, for sure. So first, I would love to know what it means to you personally to live a glowing life.

Trey:
Oh, for me to live a glowing life means that I stand in my authenticity at all times, that I stand in my truth. I stand in my worthiness. And I allow myself to be loved by others, but also I allow myself to give love to myself.

Martina:
Beautiful. Love it. What are some of the self care things that you do every day?

Trey: One of the biggest ones, and this is a funny that people always like, why are you going to bed so early? I'm in bed by nine. And it's because I realize I need my sleep. I'm also a new mom. And I know, in order to get through my day, I need sleep. And that was something I used to be one of those people who prided herself on Team no sleep and getting four hours a day and being like, Oh, I only sleep four hours and look at me. And I'm like, no. Right? Exactly. And I was like, No, you have to guard your sleep. Like, but yeah, like high security. And for me, high security, high security sleep. That's what I call it high security sleep. I do not make anybody's thought before my sleep. I'm like, No, I need my sleep.

The other self care thing I do. Exercise has been essential for me. And meditation, and I run at least every other day. And I just want to tell all your listeners, I was not one of those people who is like, Oh, you know, I'm always training for a marathon and look at me in my running gear. Not at all. You know, when I started this journey, I was nearly 90 pounds overweight, I could barely jog for 20 seconds. And it was something that I started to do every day of just saying, Okay, well walk for 30 minutes. And out of that walk, run for two. And then you walk for one. And that's how I started to build up to now running four to five k every other day. But it was a hard thing for me. But I realized it was something that really helped with my mental health. Right.

So that was something that was really essential and dealing with my depression and anxiety. That was something that I realized the days that I ran, I was able to be much more emotionally in tuned with myself. So that was something that I really did for myself care. And the other thing, I think, especially in the pandemic, is making a conscious effort every day to reach out to somebody and see someone face to face. And so even if that's important, me now it's always FaceTime. But making that human connection.

Because I realize a lot of us, there's this false sense of community, because you think you see your friends and family on social media. But we really haven't said Oh, I'm actually going to call you I'm actually want to see your face, I actually want to talk to you. So that has been something that I've been really conscious and deliberate about is at least doing a 10 minute conversation face to face with another human being that doesn't involve work. Every day at work does not count. You have to have that emotional connection with someone who loves you in your life. Right?

Martina: Yeah, it's beautiful. And we just forgot to make phone calls. Like the phone. Yeah, phone rarely ever rings these days. It's always like messages and Instagram. Yes, yeah, I love that I can definitely do a better job at that. Now, if you were to go on a desert island, what would be one thing you would take with you

Trey: my copy of the book, Louise Hay, you can heal your life that has been my Bible for so many years and has really healed me in ways magical ways. And I don't think I would have been able to write the book, blackhole in love with herself if I did not have that as a template of what Ward's can do, and how someone can really shift your mindset for you. So for me, that's the book I go to time and time again. It's the book that I give out to friends and family. And so that is Yeah, that's my safe space for me.

Martina: I mean, Louise Hay was really the queen of affirmations.

Trey: Yeah. And that's where the first time I heard about affirmations was reading that book. And even then I was a little bit cynical as I was saying something like this can change your damn life. And I was like, Oh, okay. really saw the power in that.

Martina:
What are three things that you are grateful for today Trey?

Trey:
I'm really grateful for my sense of humor. I think if I did not have the ability to laugh at some of the antics that I have done in the name of love, I wouldn't I don't think I would be here today. Like, I really have this amazing ability to laugh at myself a lot. And kind of go, okay, girl, we ain't doing that shit again, right? We really are doing that again. And what have you learned, and that is something that my family have really instilled in us. We are a laughing family. We are a dysfunctional family. But we are a family. And I think that is something that I'm really grateful for. I'm really grateful for my son. It was not how I explained it to parent, it was not the family unit that I thought, but he really became my why of getting up from the bathroom floor.

Because I don't think I would have gotten up just for myself, I was just like, there's a little being who is counting on you. And you made a commitment to show up in the best way possible. And so for me, that is something that I'm truly grateful for that he came into my life when he did, because also, the way I speak to him with love and tenderness is really an example of how I need to speak to myself. And so anytime I get really hard on myself, like why would you talk to chi like that? Would you see the chi like, Oh, come on loser Get up. So I switch it, right. So that is another thing that I'm really grateful for. And I'm grateful for the power of words and my ability to write, and to reflect, and to be able to pour my emotions onto paper and page and say, Okay, what are we doing here? Girl? What do we need?

Martina: Beautiful, and what a gift you are for your son to for him to learn how to navigate emotions and difficult situations. You know, like we also Yes, a lot more men to grow up like that, too.

Trey: Yes, that is so important. It's funny, because I say this, a lot of times, when we say especially like old boys don't cry, don't cry, I always just give him room, you know, and I want him to learn to be tender. You know, I have a seven year old nephew. And one of the things that I love is watching my seven year old nephew with my one year old son, because they're so tender with each other. And I want them to still keep that and my seven year old nephew is such a compassionate child. And that is something that I think, as a society we forgotten to really talk about how do we raise compassionate children. And that has been my biggest lesson for me as a mom is that I want my child to be compassionate, and care about people and care about himself and learn how to be tender.

So that's one of the things anytime you know, he's a one year old, and he'll hit and, and you know, sometimes be a little rough and I sometimes say gentle. I said look, you know, touch your cousin's face be crying. But I try and make give him the example of stroking instead of hitting because I want him to learn compassion and gentleness. You know, and I think a lot of that is very loaded sometimes in our community around our own internalized homophobia of what it means to be boys and what it means to be men. And I and it's that thing of like, oh, if we teach them to be that, then quote, unquote, they're gonna be gay. And then even even if they are. But I would rather a compassionate kind boy, than someone who's just going to go through the world, in such a brutal and brutal mentality. I think we've seen examples of what that looks like right now. Yeah, bullies. Yes. So I don't want that.

Martina:
And maybe that's your next book. Yes. Raising compassionate children.

Trey:
Exactly. Thank you.

Martina: Thank you so much. Great. Is there anything else you would like to share with our listeners today?

Trey: Oh, well, thank you so much for having me. Feel free to follow me on Instagram. I'm at Black Girl in love. I'm also on Facebook, by mme book, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy it. You know, I've had friends who are white and Asian. They're like Trey, can I buy the book? It's this black, cool in love with ourselves. And I say it's a book about creating the life that you truly deserve. And I said, of course, as a black woman, my voice is centered because I'm a black woman writing from my own experience. But I also believe when you write from a level of transparency and vulnerability, it transcends race, it transcends classic transcend sexuality. I had a friend recently who called me a guy and He was like, I just listened to your audio book last night, and I couldn't put it down. And he goes, I know in the book, sometimes you say, Sis, and you say, girl, but I was right there along with you. Right? And he was like, it was just so good. And he cuz I just loved it. Yeah. And I never expected that to be a demographic that the book would talk to you. But he was just like, I loved it. I told everybody around me, go get that book.

Martina: Oh, amazing. And we will share all your links in the show notes together with you your book, of course. And thank you, thank you for talking to me about your brilliant book, I cannot wait to dive in. And maybe I should also listen to the audiobook and kind of fire your listen to your audio book.

Trey:
If you're a busy woman I gave up on reading. Once my son came, I used to be like a bookworm avid reader. And then when this little guy hit my life, I was like, there's no way. So I kind of combined This is me multitasking by running with audio books, right? Well, when I'm feeding him, I'll listen to an audio book at the same time. And what is really good with the audio, but there's a bonus to bonus interviews where I don't interview my mom. And her reaction and response to the book and also my sister about growing up with my mom and what that's like. And that, of course is not in the actual book. So the audio book, you get those added bonuses, which I think is a really great thing to have.

Martina: I'm hearing you laugh probably with your family.

Trey: Yes. And I laugh a lot in the book and it's me narrating the book. It's awesome.

Martina: So thank you so much for openly sharing about your story and your challenges. I think everybody will resonate so much with what you have gone through. And yeah, it's it's just been wonderful to talk to you. Thank you so much.

Trey: Thank you and thank you for creating this wonderful space and having me I truly appreciate it.

Martina: What a beautiful episode with Trey I loved everything she shared. so relatable. So genuine, so real. And if you enjoyed this episode, too, please subscribe to the podcast on iTunes. And leave me a review so that even more people can see what this podcast is all about. And they can also listen to these inspirational stories. For everything we mentioned in today's episode, you can go check out the show notes at martinafink.com/podcast/128.

Don't forget to sign up for the 2021 New Year's vision workshop which is happening on Saturday this week. January 23. link is also in the show notes. I would love to connect with you on social media you can find me at Martina glows on all platforms. And if there's anybody in your life that you really think could benefit from this, hitting rock bottom getting back up kind of episode.

With so much self love, please send it to them right now.

Thank you so much for being here today and for listening to our beautiful heartwarming conversation.

We hope that this inspires you to live an even more glowing life.

You deserve to feel healthy, confident empowered, and beautiful.
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Thank you so much for listening to this episode! I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below! If you can think of anyone in your life who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them right now! <3

 
 

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