I remember coming home from school, slamming the door, and hiding under the covers trying to force myself not to cry.
Once again, the other kids didn't wait for me to ride home together after school. I grew up in a small village in Switzerland, and we had to go to school by bicycle.
The hurting feeling of abandonment
I felt left behind, betrayed, lonely, and sad. It was a regular thing. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes after school. I can't even put this feeling of abandonment into words, it left me feeling so empty.
I was really good at school and learning came very easy to me. The teachers liked me, and I was always "the good girl". I hated when others would do bad things, because it felt so wrong to me. I just felt I was "different". I am a leftie. Different. My parents are musicians (which is such a blessing!). Most parents had a "normal" job. Different. I actually liked school. Different.
From feeling different to feeling not enough
Deep inside, this feeling of being "different" slowly turned into a feeling of being "not enough".
I wasn't cool enough to be part of the cool kids.
I didn't have the latest clothes.
I was riding an old bicycle when everybody else's were new and shiny.
I was bullied.
For many years. But I was really good at hiding it.
Learning to fit in with society
I became a master of suppressing the deep sadness and pain every day.
I learned to fit in with everyone else, so they would like me.
I learned to shut up and keep things to myself, so nobody could attack me.
I learned to get myself together and suppress my emotions, so I wouldn’t need to feel ashamed of my weakness.
I became a severe perfectionist and people pleaser.
Even though I've healed lots of this deep wounding in the past years, it still hurts writing about this.
Releasing and healing childhood trauma
This feeling of not being good enough kept haunting me until just a few years ago, when I realized it was a big part of what was holding me back from truly stepping into my glowing life and I started going to therapy to heal this childhood trauma.
In romantic relationships, I was often the second choice, without even being aware of it. At work, I constantly felt I wasn't good enough and wanted to work harder, faster, and better to receive validation and achieve a certain position that would look good in my CV. Because that's what mattered, right?
Over the years, I pushed myself so hard that I got really close to mental and emotional burnout.
Constantly pleasing others was exhausting.
Constantly trying to be the best and get validation from others was exhausting.
Constantly being there for everybody to keep the vibe harmonious was exhausting.
Constantly pretending I had it all together when all I wanted to do was run away and cry was exhausting.
Work, eat, sleep, repeat
All I did was work, work, work, eat, sleep, and repeat. Until one day, I decided I no longer wanted to sign up for this reality.
I no longer wanted to wake up in the morning feeling like I got run over by a truck.
I no longer wanted to come home from work feeling frustrated that I didn't get all my to dos done.
I no longer wanted to feel like the years were flying by and *snap* I was 5 years older.
I no longer wanted to complain about things I couldn't change, because #perfectionist.
I no longer wanted to cancel time with family and loved ones last minute, because I was emotionally exhausted.
I wanted to live, not just work! And in order to live, I had to learn how to feel first. So I decided to change the trajectory of my life. In 2012, I became a makeup artist - just for fun to add something creative into my life that wasn't work. And things slowly started to unfold. See where this brought me to 8 years later (But what happened in between is a story for another day.)
Today, I know I am enough.
Today, I help women feel enough, both inside and out.
Today, I take care of myself first and foremost.
Today, I allow myself to feel all the feelings without shame.
Today, I don't care what others think of me (with very few exceptions!).
What matters is what you think of you
What matters is what I think of me.
What matters is that I am in control of what I do with my life.
What matters is that I am responsible for my emotions and for feeling good every day. Agreed?
It's not an overnight transformation. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of real honesty with yourself. Because you're fully responsible where you're at right now and owning that it's always fun - but the first step and the only way to start improving your life.
If this resonates... and you find yourself in parts of my story, please reach out or checkout this page to work with me. Here to help you get out of this not enoughness trap for good and start a new life where glowing from within is your choice.
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